Israel Proposes Second, Alternative Zion in Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Israeli Vice-Prime Minister and Minister of Foreign Affairs, Tzipi Livni, shocked the international community Monday, announcing that the Israeli government was preparing to open a second, alternate “zion” in the “luscious, lively, and verdant city” of Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. The project comes directly on the heels of a two-week old Israel offensive in Gaza, a military operation that has sparked outrage and protest across Europe, the Middle East, Northwest Asia, Southeast Asia, Africa, Australia, and generally every place, we suppose, but North America. “We think it will be for the benefit of the Israeli people and international Jews everywhere to have a back-up plan in case, you know, this “holy land” thing doesn’t work out,” Livni said in the ministry’s global press conference, quickly adding, “Because, let’s face it: shit is pretty fucked up right now.”

While the exact zion-zoning has yet to be determined, US and Israel officials have begun outlining this newfangled, “Zion Jr.” to replicate the exact size, shape, and demographic of the current Jewish zion, Israel. Tentative plans include a significant chunk of Boca Raton, Ft. Lauderdale, and metropolitan Miami under the scope and limits of this new, mini-nation. “We don’t know much about Ft. Lauderdale, or Miami for that matter. But my cousin, Jacob, assures me there are a ton of Jews there,” Acting Prime Minster Ehud Olmert told reporters, “He just opened this all-you-can-eat buffet in downtown ‘Lauderdale, Jacob did. Try the blintzes. Try them.”

Since its inception in 1948, the Israeli nation has fit into a precarious position there, way out there, somewhere in the Middle East. Surrounded by hostile Arab countries, Israel has, since “day fucking one,” needed to defend itself from invaders and combatants, both foreign and domestic: “Let me tell you. It is just exhausting. All these bombings, and airplanes, and guns. I just talked to my mother in Miami on the telephone: ‘come over’ she tells me, ‘I’m sitting on the beach. What are you doing all that fighting for, anyways? Think you are such a big shot. Big, Mrs. Israeli Foreign Minister. Why don’t you call your mother anymore?’ I think it is just time to hang it up, maybe,” Livni rambled, holding up a postcard her mother sent her from the US: “I really want to see an alligator, too.”

Junior Israeli officials whose names we can’t pronounce or spell displayed images of the coast of Israel and the Eastern coast of Florida, assuring journalists that the second zion will look just like Israel, “only flipped around, you know this?” Theoretically, “Zion Two” will be a respite from the constant pressures of belligerent nations and disgruntled citizens who want to wipe Israelis from the planet, or at the very least take their land back from them (we’re not sure). Jews coming to this proposed “Jewland” will be able to soak up the sights and sounds of southern Florida, sitting on the beach for multiple days on end and eating chimichangas for the first time. But, “to make them feel more at home” and to prevent culture shock, Israeli’s moving to Florida will be obligated to take one Palestinian with them, so as to “make the transition smoother” and only until they “find out where all the good movie theatres are and where to get fresh groceries.”

Israel will begin conducting birth-right trips to Ft. Lauderdale during the Summer, in conjunction with the current birth-right trips they finance to Israel, so American and European Jews can better understand and immerse themselves within authentic Jewish culture, society, and the origins of the Jewish people. Agreeing to move there permanently scores you prime, beach-front property and two free tickets to see The Reader.