With the Support of McDonald's and Starbucks, Israel Shall Achieve Peace

By Jim Skinner, President and CEO of McDonald's Corporation

Like many of you, dear readers, I was glued to the FOX News Channel today, cheering on my Israeli brethren as they clashed valiantly with the forces of evil. The hairs on the small of my back stood on end and tingled at the sight of each night-vision-saturated explosion, recorded and presented on a continuous loop for my viewing pleasure. Occasionally I would flip over to CNN and bask in the brilliance of the voluptuous Christiane Amanpour: her steady, confident reportage; her womanly baritone; her sandstorm-eroded, fresh-from-embed, chiseled, ruggedly handsome countenance. I watched her during my lunch break, sitting on my futon in the lounge area of my office, and ravaged a Big Mac, savoring each bite. Her words synchronized with my mastication, and I closed my eyes tightly and imagined that the two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions and sesame seed bun clasped within my meaty paws were actually the ingredients of Christiane Amanpour's vagina. I gently kissed the beef, flicked the salty outer rim of each pickle with my tongue and lapped up the special sauce like an alley-kitten experiencing the glory of pasteurized milk for the first time. Soon my hands were empty, and I fell back into the recesses of the futon, exhausted, and sucked on my fingers until the next commercial break.

At which point, my cellular phone began to vibrate and move slowly across the coffee table. A text message. I wiped the palms of my hands on my slacks and flipped the device open. The message read: "Starbucks and mcdonalds are going to give all their $ to isr@el until next saturday. Spread the news. don't buy starbuck or mcdonald anymore." I won't lie to you, dear readers: I was furious. I shut my phone harshly and threw it against the 10 foot by 10 foot portrait of Ray Kroc that adorns the far wall of my office. Obviously, a Palestinian faction of text-guerillas had programmed my personal mobile number into their listserv by mistake. The writing is on the Ray Kroc portrait-adorned wall: our secret is out.

If my phone hadn't shattered on impact, I would have informed Howard Schultz, chairman and CEO of Starbucks and the mastermind of our operation, but I'm sure he will find out soon enough, as the man rarely sleeps. It is true, dear readers. Our two mega-corporations are in cahoots with the Israeli government and are the main source of funding for the Israeli military. Until the end of the next Sabbath, all proceeds accrued by McDonald's and Starbucks, two of the most notoriously greedy corporations this planet has ever seen, will be sent overseas and used to combat the evil Hamas organization. To avoid an outright scandal, I would like to take this opportunity to outline our plan, in the interest of full disclosure:

1. We are providing the Israeli army with fully functional Burger Bombs, highly sophisticated and technologically advanced weapons of minimal destruction (as seen on Future Weapons). The Burger Bomb is a lightweight, tubular projectile, approximately four feet in length, with a circumference of ten inches. Each Burger Bomb contains 12 quarter pounders with cheese, stacked one atop the other, and a gallon of napalm. The Burger Bomb is usually fired from the back of an armored vehicle, but can also be taken to go by means of a bazooka-like firing mechanism. Upon impact, the tubular casing of the Burger Bomb disintegrates and the napalm mixes with the quarter pounders, resulting in a dense miasma of beef vapor. This chemical reaction renders nearby soldiers temporarily blind and unable to breathe comfortably.

2. Starbucks is sending one million gallons of freshly brewed Arabian Mocha Sanani ("Wild and exotic, with an aroma of spice") to be poured onto unsuspecting Palestinians from helicopters.

3. We are providing limited edition, adult-sized Big Mac cardboard box containers to be used as coffins for the dead, and a happy meal for every child at every conflict-related Israeli funeral.

That's all we have so far (and your ideas, dear readers, are appreciated. Simply register at imlovinit.gov and submit as many ideas as you like. And be sure to check your email regularly for information on upcoming McDonald's events and coupons). But I am confident that, with the support of McDonald's and Starbucks, Israel shall achieve peace, and those dastardly, dirty Palestinians, those minions of Satan, those Dybukk-infested heathens, shall be thwarted. Meanwhile, keep stuffing your faces with freedom fries and Big Macs, hash browns and Egg McMuffins (the sausage and bacon of which, I assure you, are of the turkey persuasion), and shakes and "salads." For the hard-earned money used to pay for such cuisine is going to a good cause: the Zionist cause. Now I shall return to watching the footage of your McDonald's money in action, the pickle-colored night vision glory of war, and the informative ramblings of the inimitable, sultry, seductive Christiane Amanpour.