LATROBE, PA-- "It used to be the best" Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger announced Monday, sitting with friends and teammates in the St. Vincent's College cafeteria. "Right over there. They used to have these great big 'ole juice machines," gesturing size with his arms stretched out, "Sooo many different colors. So many flavors. And they used to have these little juice fountains inside you could watch shooting juice. And they were taaaaast-yyyyyy!" Roethlisberger added, as Round-eyed Steelers rookies Dan Sepulveda and Limas Sweed leaned in, sitting across from him at the table. "Man oh man, I used to love coming to training camp." The Steelers training camp, once heralded as the league's best, has gone down hill in recent years, according to Roethlisberger, due to roster changes, canceled "free swim" sessions, a lack of those "awesome beef sandwiches" he used to love, and a newly imposed "lights-out" nightly reading period which the QB quickly added, "really stinks."
"I remember when we used to have a motorboat that was sooooo fast!" Roethlisberger told his teammates.
"Really?" Sweed asked, leaning even further over the table's edge.
"Uh huh," Roethlisberger nodded his head, "And [former Steeler's Quarterback's Coach] Mr. Whipple would do these huge turns in it, and the waves would be gi-normous, and you'd go flying off the tube and into the water. One time, Jerome [Bettis] skidded so fast his swim trunks fell off!"
Sepulveda proceeded to spit 2% milk through his nose and Sweed giggled, tapping his feet under the table and clapping, "That is HI-larious!"
"I have good friends at home, but there is something special about camp friends, you know? Well, you guys don't know yet, but you will."
Recent, dramatic staff changes are also a concern for Roethlisberger, who bemoaned the addition of Mike Tomlin, but only after the stern head-coach had past the player's table, telling Sweed to "eat his greens" in the process.
"That's not even the best part. You guys don't know him, he was before your time, but Coach Cowher was the best! He told these stories...ooooo man! They would scaaaaaaare. You. Silly. Sometimes he even had Heinz [Ward] wait inside the equipment locker with plastic fangs on to scare us! It was so scary!"
Added Roethlisberger, upon watching Sepulveda pour out the communal remnants of fruit punch into his glass, "Hey man. You kill it, you fill it!" Poking Sweed in the side with his elbow, "This guy has got a lot to learn!"
Roethlisberger's concerns mirror an increasingly shared sentiment across the league. Many young players, Adam "Pacman" Jones and Reggie Bush the most vocal among them, complain the NFL is too "mean" and that its corps of top head-coaches should generally be "a lot more fun." Terrorizing strip clubs, wearing over-sized chains, and toking the occasional doobie was the glue that held player relations and the NFL at large together. Now that they are being suppressed, training camp is "a real drag." Supporting the younger players' discontent are renowned veterans, like Marvin Harrison, who share Roethlisberger's opinion that NFL training camps were just "sooo much better" than they are now. "He's right," said 9-time pro-bowler Peyton Manning, responding to Roethlisberger quotes, "Training camps were a blast. I remember when my doctors told me I couldn't go one year, I was so frea-gin' mad! So I stayed home instead and worked at my dad's toyota warehouse answering phones. I hope they suck an egg one day!"
But even seasoned veterans, like Roethlisberger, find something special in training camps long past: " I heard back at Three Rivers stadium they used to have a bowling alley underneath the field, in a secret basement," Roethlisberger tossed his Sloppy-Joe back on his lunch plate, "Man I wish they didn't implode that thing!" Also warning, "But that place is haunted now. If you go there past midnight and say "three-rivers" six times fast the Iron Curtain comes and steals you away! Never go there alone, I'm serious."
Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin, though, doesn't seem to get it: "I wish these guys would grow up some. They are not in mini-camp anymore. Sometimes we have to say 'no' to these guys, which is hard, but we really think it's for the best."
When asked about his coach's comments Roethlisberger promptly exclaimed, "That's just a bunch of foo-ey!"
No comments:
Post a Comment