In an attempt to combat their slick, impersonal product image, Chipotle Mexican Grill introduced Monday its first ever company mascot: "Truman Chipote, Burrito Snatcher." For years, the success of Chipotle and its nation-wide restaurants has lay predominately on its hip, industrial floor designs and socially conscious Southwestern cuisine. Made of 73% post-consumer waste, Chipotle brand has made a name for itself as a successful, high-level food corporation with nation-wide appeal and enviornmentally sound production methods. However, all those metal tubes, modern-looking tables, Mayan war lord installations made of tin, and contemporary soundtracks can be really fucking annoying, as new numbers show. Recent in-house polls have revealed a startling lack of support for the restaurant chain in the 5-12 year old demographic, as well as the 60+ bracket and residual baby-boomers. Both groups are sensitive to light, sound, taste, and tactile functionings, in addition to being notoriously fussy eaters and messy to boot. Company founder and CEO Stephen Ellis announced in a press release the dual-functions of the new Truman Chipote burrito snatcher in garnering appeal: "We at Chipotle and our parent company MacDonald's discovered strange gaps in our performance with the very young and the very old. Truman Chipote will be an advertising tool created to draw these two disparate groups together with a Chipotle burrito constantly in hand," Ellis stated, adding: "That is of course, if little Truman Chipote doesn't snatch it away from them in the process!"
Memories of the whimsical, auteur socialite Capote will, in theory, appeal to the older, less taco-minded 60-130 year old group Chipotle hopes to corral with its literary mascot. Images of the funny, squat, frumpy-looking Burrito Snatcher dressed in black will, almost certainly, bring in to the Chipotle fold pre-teens and adolescents looking to play guess who, color with crayons, have their tummy's poked at and their burritos stolen away. A subsidiary of MacDonald's, Chipotle is playing catch-up to the internationally recognizable "Ronald MacDonald" character and various supporting cartoon figures under the MacDonald's corporate name. Criticism has already emerged in response to the unveiling of Chipote, mainly from the "Hamburglar" faithful who cite uncomfortable similarities between the MacDonald's and Chipotle mascots. Both wear black, both have capes, and both snatch away food for questionable and uncertain reasons. Stephen Ellis approached this issue in the initial release: "Yes, Truman is similiar to the Hamburglar. However, can the Hamburglar turn over a hilarious anecdote about a Marilyn Monroe dress mishap or a conversation with Mary Pickford about shoes? I didn't think so."
Shortly after the Ellis press release was issued, a follow-up release was distributed by the burrito snatcher himself. It followed, in its entire: "Hmmmmm...I just don't know about this burrito snatching. Hmmm. I mean, what is the motivation anyways? Why snatch burrrr-tos at all? Don't I ever get sick of all that rice? Rice is just so, so HEa-vy and just look at that STEAK. It's so spicy and will probably burn my tongue. I have to think about this first...Can't I just write a book about burritos instead?"
Ellis was unavailable for comment.
Plans for Chipotle Burrito Playhouses are already in effect, as well as an advertising onslaught of "Truman Chipote, Burrito Snatcher" figurines, movies, and picture books. Whether the burrito snatcher will pen all twelve Truman Chipote pre-teen novels himself has yet to be released. Early floor plans for the in-house burrito play-pens show inclusions of a sour-cream play-pond, a pinto bean running play-slide, and a barbecoa play-waterfall. Chipotle will begin researching focus groups in the Spring, as well as polling pre-schools and retirement homes for how best to have the burrito snatcher snatch burritos from them.
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