ATHENS, OH-- OU Senior Paulie Schultz finished last night's solid ten-game win streak in beer pong with yet another reference to Gladiator. Witnesses at the beer pong tournament reported Schultz, immediately after watching an opposing ping pong rim his final solo cup and funnel downwards to the bottom, whispered, almost inaudibly, "Shadows and dust. Shadows and dust..." before downing the alloted quantity of beer and squeezing his girlfriend's ass. Schultz had been making both friends and enemies at the Mill Street party all night with a near-constant bombardment of references to the Ridley Scott film, particularly while enjoying his major ten-game streak. Mark Johnson, subletter of the Mill Street home and host of the party called Schultz "a trip" and "really toasted": "Paulie is definitely a polarizing personality. You either love him or hate him. It seems to have gotten worse recently, too, given his near incessant need to bring Gladiator into every situation," adding, while collapsing his fourth beer pong table, "But I love that fucker." According to Caitlin Richards, the Gladiator references began at approximately 11:45 EST, directly after Schultz's fourth straight victory. Numerous witnesses corroborate that, after beating a duo of squat freshman and having had to drink only two of the customary twelve cups of beer, Schultz spun around, his hands in the air, addressing the bulk of the party in a roar: "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?!" While half the party seems to have either ignored, missed, or erased the incident from their minds, a few periphery fans of the beer pong action remember it well, to varying responses: "I guess it was pretty hilarious. I mean, he did kick the crap out of those kids. He had, like, ten cups left on the table or something. So yeah, we were entertained," Mark Johnson said. However, some party-goers less familiar with the acadamy-award winning block buster film were not impressed, and more puzzled than they were ever entertained: "That guy was such an asshole! What was he even talking about?" 5'5'' sophomore Karen Karen reported, who, several upperclassman agree, was completely toasted last night and a "total cocktease."
As the victories piled up, Schultz's references continued on with less and less effectiveness. At one point, Schultz cornered a future adversary on the tournament list, slowly guiding him away from the party as he recited, word for word: "My name is Maxiumus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next." John-John Crabtree, the aforementioned adversary, was perplexed if not impressed by the verbatim reference: "I didn't really understand what he was talking about....I did end his five-streak win last week. Maybe that was it. But it was impressive, yeah. I can never remember all those, those names and stuff. He really loves that fucking movie."
When Schultz's long-time partner dropped out after the eighth game, retiring to the back corridor to "get some trim," Schultz remained steadfast at the beer pong table, enlisting the first person he could find, a relative novice with a backwards cap, assuring: "You can help me," gesturing to the opposite end of the table, "whatever comes out of these gates, we've got a better chance of survival if we work together. Do you understand? If we stay together we survive." Then, apparently confusing his battle-scenes and Russell Crowe monologues together, Schultz added, "What we do in life echos in eternity." Partyers were either way too smashed or oblivious to correct him at the moment, choosing rather to continue on ignoring Schultz like they had for a majority of the night.
Despite the glaring slip-up, however, Schultz's references were sound, as he dazzled a group of two people with his amazing ability to apply almost every Gladiator quote to beer pong competition. The celebrated Mill Street, known both locally and beyond for its talented beer pong competitors, has never seen a player like Schultz before. A beer-ponger with the remarkable ability to both win games and lose friends at the same time. While there have clearly been polarizing players like Schultz before, the rich forty-five year beer pong tradition on the Athens campus has rarely enjoyed someone with such a versatile command of the Gladiator quote-book. Schultz promptly left the party after losing his first game of the night, "exhausted" and "really in the mood to watch A Good Year."
No comments:
Post a Comment