O, How My Fleet Little Fingers Just Type Away!

An inexplicable submission:

Dear Cheryl,

I'm enjoying this new device by which I am communicating with you. Ralph called it a laptop upon my unwrapping of it on the first night of Chanukah, and I smiled and feigned knowledge of its "multitudes of capabilities," but really, just between you and me Cheryl, I'm as ignorant and useless when it comes to tech-dreck (as I like to call it, ho ho! Cheryl) as a one-armed, wholly-salt-water-based Latvian barber (I'd imagine that a barber whose genetic makeup is comprised solely of salt water would have trouble keeping the scissors from rusting over, not to mention his being one-armed and Latvian, well, those descriptors speak for themselves, Cheryl!). Anywhositz, I sat there (on that blue loveseat with the green stripes, you know the one, Cheryl) with the laptop on my lap (imagine that! Cheryl) and Ralph waltzed on over (O, I forgot, Cheryl! We had that loveseat reupholstered last Spring! And you haven't been by since the previous fall! O, Cheryl, you absolutely must rectify this! I was sitting on the loveseat that was olive-colored, the last time you were here) and just snatched up the laptop and put it on the desk. He thought I was going to break it! Why buy me a gift that you're afraid I will break, Ralph? (of course, Cheryl, I merely thought this in my mind. Never would I say such a thing to Ralph on the first night of Chanukah. You know how he gets on the first night of Chanukah. Is that why you haven't been by in a bit? Because of how Ralph gets?). And it's called a laptop, Ralph, you said so yourself. So I had it on my lap, where it's supposed to be. So what? Why go put it on the desk? It's not called a desktop, Ralph! O, my Ralph. After he went to bed I stayed up all night figuring out the various ins and the various outs of laptop use and safety, and finally feel comfortable enough to correspond with you through email, Cheryl. I know you've been on the internet for quite some time (has it really been seven years? O, Cheryl!), and I appreciate you putting up with my Luddism, Cheryl. Now we can "talk" "whenever" (although I really do think you should come by, Cheryl!). I'm very much looking forward to years and years of emailing with you, Cheryl (although I hope it isn't "years and years" before I see you again, dear). (I think Ralph's up) Anywho, Cheryl, I hope this email finds you well (Dear, that is him, rustling) and that I will soon be able to match your techno-prowess (he wants a midnight snack, and I haven't done the dishes yet!). Until next we correspond, Cheryl (or meet, Cheryl. Please let us meet. Why don't you come by? God, what is Ralph doing in there?!).

Love,
Lea