Tommy, Sally: Your Mother's a Bitch.

by Paul J. Lazarus

Tommy, Sally: Life is tough, let me tell you. Isn't that what I've always said? Didn't I say that when I was canned from that plush gig over at NESTLE? Tommy, you loved all those free Paydays, didn't you, Sport? And the Crunch bars, and the Bab-y Ruths, and the 100 Grand's. Yeah, those were plush, and I'm sure I said it then, like I'll say it now: life's a bitch. It's tough. Sometimes it just takes away your free candy bars. Sometimes it takes away your wife. And you want to know something else? You guys got it bad. That's somethin' your Mother and life got in common. Kids: sometimes your mom is really a bitch.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying all the time or...Tommy! Stop your sobbing back there and watch out for my papers. What's that Sal? Well, your the oldest so I'll shoot straight with you--Daddy got canned today. Yeah Tommy! Again! It's a mess back there so watch out. Let's see, where was I? Oh, yeah, your Mother's a bitch. Remember that b-day party five years ago, the one at Chuck E. Cheese. No, the second time. Yeah. I sweated my damn balls off trying to get you that stuffed zebra phone. I musta spent 75 clams shooting hoops and I even talked to the fuck nuts running the thing and I said: "Listen. We're all adults. I gotta kid here dying for that stuffed zebra phone there. Let me have it, goddamit." But no. No go. And then here your Mother comes, all high and mighty with her high-school-jump shot and wins you the damn thing. What a bitch!

What else...and now! Now your Mom goes ahead last week and gets herself a boyfriend. What nerve. What gaul. Goddamn, how insenstive can you be? No, no...don't get outta the car yet. Let's just take a drive back here a sec and just see what...OH! Lovely! How lovely. Really first-rate Julie. Nice work: What a pretty volleyball net kiddos! How'd your Mother afford that thing? Wha? What's that? Badminton? Well where are the raquets and stuff then? Oh. Smart...that's where I'd probably stash them. But look...I don't like the sight of that sedum there and Geez!!! Won't you get a look at those petunias? Maybe I should come by and trim those things and maybe cut the grass and, you know, ask you mother why she's such a...Tommy! Stop your sobbings. And Sally what're you sucking your thumb for? C'mon guys!

All right, All right: let me finish and stuff. I mean, this is what I'm talking about. About life and stuff. Sometimes your Old Man just goes nuts! I mean, it's crazy! It's absurd! Dad's do that and you can only look at life and say, what the bitch, man? Geez! I wish I knew why we live in a world where dads go nuts all the time, but I don't. Chuck it up to the universe or cosmic indifference. I'm outta answers, kids. Dad's are a real bitch, and it really makes me sore sometimes. I mean, that's exactly what I've been trying to say.