Friday, February 13, 2009

Disgruntled Onion Reporter Leaks Next Week’s Headlines

In the interests of brevity, anonymity, and eroticism, here is a little taste—a flash of the brassiere, as it were—without any ado:


Stimulus Package Stimulates Area Man’s Package

Amtrak Customer Approaches Ticket Counter, Requests “Three-Way” Ticket

George Clooney: Does Anyone Want to Hang Out in Milan for a Few Weeks?

Married Actor Really Looking Forward to Using On-Screen Romance as Springboard for Real-Life Adultery

Using the Word “Awesome” in Office Memo Costs Intern His Job, Life

Salman Rushdie on Fatwa Drought: “Blasphemy Just Isn’t What it Used to Be”

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