My Experience on "Check, Please!" was Most Unsavory

By Jad-Marc Tailor

Reposted from Jad-Marc's Blog, "The Finer, Diner and Winer Things in this Crazy Beautiful Thing I call, 'LIFE.'"

It was showtime. The lights... no wait, it was, like, a minute before showtime, because we were commencing taping at 4 pm, I believe, or thereabouts, and it was 3:59, for I distinctly remember glancing at my watch at that moment, when Alpana raised her spotless wine glass, quarter-filled with Cabernet Sauvignon (2004, hint of mint, splash of oak: superb), and said, "To new friends, good food, delectable wine, a fine crew," grunts of approval from behind cameras and lights, "and an amazing show! Cheers!" Glasses clink, held by Alpana herself, Joseph Pettibon (Elementary School Principal - Albany Park), Stephanie Yang (Bartendress - Wicker Park), and me, Jad-Marc Tailor (Investment Banker - Lincoln Park). And it was all downhill from there.

Truth be told, I knew it would be all downhill from there, because the restaurants my two co-stars (or perhaps "adversaries" would be more appropriate) chose were patently abysmal; pedestrian, at best. What I didn't know was how much of a disaster the actual taping would turn out to be. But first, in case you missed the episode, the restaurants:

Joseph Pettibon chose Stephen's Tex-Mex Building in Albany Park. I went there with my girlfriend on a Friday night after drinks and dancing and Karaoke (I completely nailed Staind's "It's Been a While") at Starbar. We took a cab and got to Stephen's Tex-Mex Building at around 3 am and it was CLOSED. My girlfriend and I were both deeply perturbed and after she threw up on Stephen's restaurant's front stoop we got in another cab and went home and had sex.

Flash-forward to the show:

"Wait, Jad," says Alpana, in her delightfully cute squeak of a voice which I vividly imagine enveloping my cock as she gags on it.
"Jad-Marc," says I.
"You mean to tell me that you didn't even go to Stephen's Tex-Mex Building?"
"I did go. It was closed."
"What time did you go?"
"3 am."
"3 am?"
"Christ, Jad-Marc," says Joseph, bent-out-of-shapely. "It's a family restaurant."
"But it was a Friday," says I. "On weekends, sir, with all due respect, I don't, nay, can't eat dinner until I'm drunk."

And we moved on:

Stephanie Yang chose Restaurant of Chinese Fair Delicacies Within (big surprise) in Chinatown. When I received the notice in the mail from the "Check, Please!" producers, I exclaimed to my girlfriend, "Fuck, babe. We have to go to Chinatown for this shit," to which she responded, "You're on your own then, hun. I'll go out with my other boyfriend." So I called up my other girlfriend and we headed down to Restaurant of Chinese Fair Delicacies Within last Saturday. We got there at 2 am after a night of drinks and dancing and Karaoke (I completely nailed that one Journey song that was the White Sox theme song when they won the World Series that one time) and, luckily, it was still open, and would be for the next several hours, and the next several hours after that, and so on until the end of time because the restaurant is open 24 hours and the Chinese are pagans who don't celebrate holidays.

The show:

"So," says Alpana, reluctantly turning to me, "Jad-Marc. Dare I ask what you thought about Restaurant of Chinese Fair Delicacies Within?"
"Well," says I, composed, collected: the essence of amateur restaurant criticism, "The service was fantastic and felt like good old Chinese hospitality. A very noble people, and their conduct reflected as such," insightfully. "The food was fast, but it sure wasn't fast food!" I, intelligent, clearly, yet down to earth, jocular with the folk, as shown by laughter erupting from mouths of adversaries.
"Sounds like you liked it," Alpana says, composing herself, wiping tears from her eyes.
"It was delicious. I got the Egg Foo Yong, and I had to scarf it all up before my date stole it!" Again jocular, again laughs, again Jad-Marc: capturing hearts. "I said to my date, my girlfriend: 'Oh, don't you worry, sweetums, you'll get plenty of egg in your mouth later, but just the whites.'" That's right, Jad-Marc, reel 'em in. The money shot. Don't stop now. "And my girlfriend just laughed. People were staring at us. 'Or maybe you want those egg whites now, baby, huh?' And I forced her under the table and she sucked me off right there in the middle of Restaurant of Chinese Fair Delicacies Within, me alternating between slapping the table and her ass, exposed now due to my ripping of her skirt, and cooks out from the kitchen, three of them, standing not ten feet away from us, laughing and jerking, jerking and laughing." Silence in the studio, aside from my seemingly resonating and reverberating disappointment in my adversaries' attitudes, as we all slowly sipped our wine.

I chose The World Diner in Lincoln park, housed in which is every single taste you can ever imagine. Every single delicacy from every single corner and nook and cranny of this crazy spinning rock orbiting this crazy solar system can be found here. And you can mix and match and create your own tastes, too! Want a curry-fried-green-chile rice pizza? Will be ready in 3 hours. Want a Yakburger with Filipino eel-fries? Will be ready next week. Want a Jaegerbomb? Have three while you wait for your strawberry-gyro-pie! It is located underneath Lincoln Park, in a sort of multi-level cave dwelling, a la Gangs of New York. To enter, you must rub the Goethe statue's marble genitals not once, not twice, but thrice. After doing so, the earth itself opens up, and the World Diner awaits one hundred feet below. Unfortunately, neither Alpana nor Stephanie nor Joseph could find the elusive restaurant, and after the taping I was immediately and hastily escorted out of the WTTW studio.